Take A Breath and Let It Go! God's Got This!

If you know me very well, or even not so well, you probably know I have a problem with Anxiety. Since I was a kid it is something I have learned to deal with in many different ways. My anxiety usually comes in the form of shaking uncontrollably and leading up to throwing up all over the place. Ask Keith! The poor man has usually been on the receiving end of it and he many times just stands there, holding a bucket or bag and pulls my hair out of my face. I have learned a lot in controlling my anxious self and can recognize when I am loosing it. Usually I can take a breathe and refocus and control it. But ever since I was a kid it has been something I am learning to deal with. God keeps stretching me and teaching me that I have NO control over life and its surprises but HE HAS IT ALL UNDER CONTROL! Thankfully knowing that is one of the most calming thins in any situation that I find myself getting anxious about!

Growing up my anxiety showed itself with just going to school. Going to Public school in the USA about killed me! EVERY MORNING! Usually I rode to school with our neighbor Nelda Rust who was a teacher at the elementary school and every morning was a routine of eat breakfast, grab some zip-locks and walk to Nelda's car. I would use every bag on the 20 minute drive to school. I was so scared of the kids, the teachers, and the hallways that I would hide in my homeroom till about a minute till the bell would ring and then RUN to the next class room. I was teased about being from Africa and being "different" even though the I was the same as the kids teasing, but it was something I learned to deal with. Basketball was my outlet on that one. I was not very good, at the beginning but I realized that basketball practice was after school and if I played I would not have to ride the school bus home! The school bus was a horrible experience for me. I think mostly because the bullies from school rode on my bus and the teasing and bullying that went on in the halls continued all the way home. I remember begging mom and dad to let me ride the other route to Meema's house so I would be on the bus with friends from church. I could handle that trip so much better. Or my brother would pick me up on the way home from college. I liked that mode of transportation the BEST!  But anyways, I found my outlet for anxiety was basketball. I learned and played and made some awesome friends. Friends that I am still in contact with and even run into when I am in Texas. I didn't get sick on the basketball court unless we had to run suicides, which in my defense would make anyone throw up. But I learned to take my anxiety out on the court and leave it there.

My first week of college was also an anxious time for me. Learning a new culture, learning to drive on the right side of the road, and trying to get out of the USA public high school mentality took a while. I hate to admit it but my mom had to drive me to college the first week due to the fact that I would throw up on the way. Thankfully it was only 5 minutes from my house so I could not get to worried about how my day would start. I would throw up every morning. It almost became a disorder that again I have a hard time admitting to, but I had a lot of counseling for. I learned how to pray through my anxiety.  But soon College began to go smoothly as I met friends from church that had a lot of the same courses. Once I made friends it was easy to walk to class with out an anxious heart. Thanks Catherine, Jeremy and Jonathan for putting this crazy African at ease in a new culture!

Planes test my limits every time I think about getting in one of those tubes with engines strapped to the wings. I don't do planes at all, which makes me think God has a sense of humor putting me in homes and places that are ONLY ACCESSIBLE by planes. When I told mom we were moving to Galena Alaska, a little village in the middle of Alaska, she giggled when I told her the method of getting here! I dread going anywhere because from here it ALWAYS means getting on a little plane. My sweet husband goes through the plane grabbing all the barf-bags on the way down the isle to hand me. Isn't he sweet! A few weeks ago I flew to town for a curriculum fair, and the pilot came through the plane and handed me a giant garbage bag, saying my husband said to give this to you. Again how sweet is he. He knew I might need it. Planes.... I Hate planes. Kind of like Indiana Jones with his fear of snakes. Planes. There is just something about being in them that makes me very VERY nervous! Again something I am working on, and I have NOT out grown that one.

I am NOT good at big surprises. Don't try to surprise me or you might end up with an outcome not so pleasant! Ask Keith, He has learned to give me fair warning on events that would throw me for a loop. Our whole dating experience was definitely unique. I don't know how I was so blessed to have a man who puts up with my anxious responses. Though the first time I threw up on him when he told me he loved me, took him totally by surprise! So was the first time he kissed me! My first kiss and he was sweet enough to hold my hair back while I threw up in the bushes! By the time he proposed he was expecting a response. Thankfully our wedding went smooth because of all the planning that I did. I knew what to expect, what was going to happen, plus I had exams up until the day before the wedding so my mind was on the exam and I was not nervous about my wedding. However, my close friends must have thought I could not handle it because there was a bucket under the church pew just in case!  I must say my wedding was one of the most relaxing, anxious-less days of my life!

The day Kaden, my first son, was born was NOT so relaxing. The moment he made his entrance, and the nurse wanted to hand him to me was the moment when I realized this little bundle of joy was ours, our responsibility, and he came with NO MANUAL! Oh Lord Help me! So daddy got to hold him first while the nurse held my hair back while I held the bucket. Yes I know I had 9 months to get used to the idea but it was at that moment that I had to come to grasp the fact that I was a grown up with responsibility of more then just myself, a little life who would depend on me for the next lifetime. WOW the responsibility. Please tell me I am not the ONLY one who was a little anxious about that moment in life! By the time Isaiah came along, I had adjusted to that and I was the one who got to hold him first, with no bucket needed.

I still deal with major anxiety. I am still learning to handle it. God keeps stretching me and teaching me. He puts situations in my life that teach me to take a breath and not let it get the better of me. From my mom being taken in a carjacking while I watched, which honestly I did NOT handle so calmly, and it took many years to get over, to a flood that destroyed our little village. From plane rides to unplanned broken pipes 2 days before movers come, which my husband is downstairs dealing with right now. Yes we have tons of things to do before the movers come but again I feel like God is saying take a breath, I got this covered.

Moving to a new state makes me very anxious, but God has this in his hands. We know this by the people He keeps bring in our lives.  We have never really heard of Lake Mattamuskeet NWR, but since we accepted this job we have heard more about North Carolina then we know what to do with. It has been amazing to see God working out this move. When things get us down and we wonder WHY, something always reminds us that God's got this covered. Movers come Monday and I am nervous that I won't get everything done in time, but that is something I have to learn to let go of. I feel like bursting into the Frozen song... Let it Go! So what if they pack all the trash. (which they did moving before) It will all get to North Carolina. I just have to remind myself to enjoy the spring weather, enjoy the kids riding their bikes in the road, enjoy the pollen, enjoy the neighbors, enjoy it all, God's got it covered. My anxiety is NOT helping the situation so take a breath and LET IT GO!! There will always be planes that I have to get on, situations that I CAN'T control, surprises that come up with out me knowing, plans that have to change.

We were talking last night and our friend Ross mentioned that sometimes our greatest weakness becomes our greatest strength. I mean think about it. God always seems to take our weakness and uses it for his purpose. The Bible is full of people that he used their weakness for his strength. It is when we admit that our weakness is to big for us to handle. When we say there is NOTHING we can do with this problem and hand it over that God can use it.

 So being honest, I have a BIG problem with anxiety! But I have a God who is Bigger! (He's bigger then Godzilla and the monsters on TV!~ a song on Veggie Tales) Yes I always carry a barf bag in my purse, just in case. But I have to remember God's Got this! He knows those moments of weakness that I have, he knows when I start to shake because a situation is to intimidating to me. He knows! I am writing this blog to myself to remind me that He has this in his control! Let it go and Let God take it! HE IS BIGGER!